How to Know What You Really Want

This blog is a love letter to those who are not in touch with their dreams.  There will be some tough love in here, but all in the service of helping you wake up to your own desires.

A big reason that a person lacks clarity about their desires stems from their history of honoring their desires. When we don’t listen to our inner voice telling us what we want, that voice starts to get quiet.

You’re Protecting Yourself

Why? It’s a self-protective mechanism, really. And, it makes sense if you think about it. The part of you that wants to tell you about your desires just wants you to be happy. If you repeatedly ignore what you want, the inner voice stops pestering you. It figures that reminding you that you are not getting what you want will only lead to disappointment. It’s hip to the game: you’re not going to do what it asks, so it stops asking.

When we spend years ignoring that voice, it stops speaking to us all together.

It’s no surprise to me that this issue particularly effects mothers. Mothering is one of those jobs where the mother’s needs, let alone wants, often go unmet.

No Time to Poop

For example, there was another coach that I’ll call Alissa. She’s a beautiful young mother, always very immaculate and proper. One day in a demo coaching session Alissa admitted to her coach, “I don’t even have time to go poop.” She was the last person that I thought would share such a detail, especially on a group call. But how many of us have felt that way (and I’m not even a mother)?

Mother’s are always putting everyone else first. There are others, of course, but the Mother is the archetypal example. 

People Pleasing

Not surprisingly, a lot of these women also identify with the Pleaser archetype. A classic characteristic of the Pleaser is to only uphold commitments to others. She can’t even honor commitments to herself.

So, what’s a woman to do? Well, the solution to this one lies in the root problem: you’ve habituated yourself to ignore your urges. You get out of it by habituating yourself to honor your urges.

Being Shut Down

Ever seen a child that’s been told to shut up? Some kids will take that advice very seriously. They will completely shut down. You can’t get anything out of them. They just stand there with their lower lip stuck out.

That’s how your inner voice feels.

Learning to Listen to Your Inner Voice

So, how do you get that kid to reengage?

You reinforce every little thing. You take everything she says seriously. You ask her questions and you listen. She’s feeling dissed, so you do the opposite: you respect her deeply.

Treat your inner voice the same way. Start to love on it.

So, you start small. You honor every petty little preference that your inner voice brings up. It could be as simple as, “but I don’t want to wear that blouse today.”

Banish “it doesn’t matter to me” from your vocabulary. If someone asks where you want to eat out, become diligent about stating a preference, even if you’re just making something up for now.

At first, your inner voice might offer you only fleeting little glimmers of what it wants. You must listen very hard. 

Your ability to hear the softest whisper is what will determine how successful you will be here. Your fidelity at honoring even the smallest desire will determine how quickly you will change.

I’m Dr. Kira Swanson and I’m a Life Coach for people who dread Monday. I work with corporate misfits and struggling entrepreneurs who feel unfulfilled in their work. Together, we tune into what they really want, find new perspectives, and summon the courage to take bold action. Whether it’s striking out on their own, flourishing in their own business, or thriving right where they are, I help my clients to Love Monday.

End the Dread! If you're not loving Monday, let's chat about it. You spend too much time working for it not to meet your needs on multiple levels. It's not just about money. Click here to schedule your free Discovery Session.